Anger

I am angry, I am really fucking angry, I am really, really, really fucking really angry.

I am angry because Speedy G died. I am angry that he died and he should not have died.

I am angry because I cannot seem to make other people (the policy makers and law shakers) as angry as I am.

I am angry because suggestions I have had include moving home or going out the back when he comes out the front.

I am angry because there is one dog warden in St Helens. I am not angry at him- I have never spoken to him. He only has a landline number but he is never in the office as he is solely responsible for managing stray dogs in the borough.

I am angry that the local councillors seem to pick and choose which issues they take up. I am angry that all questions are answered with platitudes. I am literally crying out for help and direction and all I get is heartfelt condolences and information that I already had from Google.

I am angry that the police want so hard to serve and protect in their own communities but their hands are tied by outdated legislation and they are always at the mercy of the CPS.

I am angry that the school yard bullies, the tiny assholes, grow up to be front yard bullies, big assholes.

I am angry that the solution to crimes like harassment and stalking inevitably involve admin- log all incidents. Now I love a good spreadsheet as much as the next person but is the solution to the threat of violence really to accurately record it. Someone can make your life a misery but the case can be thrown out because you did not provide detailed enough evidence. Please note that this applies mostly to crimes that mostly affect women- see what I am getting at here.

I am angry that a grown man can threaten me and intimidate my child but I cannot make that information public because it makes him uncomfortable. Top tip- people who intimidate children are frowned upon so if you don’t want to be frowned upon, erm don’t intimidate children.

I am angry at Covid 19- I didn’t get to say goodbye to Speedy because of the stupid fucking Corona virus restrictions but as we all know, those restrictions did not apply to everyone.

I am angry at the RSPCA, they are racking in millions but are absolutely rubbish! They have made no effort to communicate with me or investigate.

I am angry that the man who killed my dog laughs at me. I am angry that he wastes police time making bogus complaints. I am angry that the man who killed my dog films my child and no one seems overtly outraged by that (by no one I mean the aforementioned policy makers and law shakers).

I am angry that when a woman is angry the default response seems to be to tell her that her frustrations are understandable but…..

No buts, I am angry and being angry is exactly the right response to injustice and trauma.

Being angry gets shit done. Sitting on the fence with splinters up your arse or hiding in your house does jack shit. Armchair activism even in the golden age of social media can only get us so far.

Anger gets a bad rep but it can actually be quite useful. Anger is designed to help us survive, I feel angry now because the threats of physical violence and the behaviour directed at my child have triggered my fight or flight receptors- this is good because it will keep me alert.

Anger gives us control. Speedy G being attacked and killed was totally out of my control. Being threatened, being filmed and so on is totally out of my control. Setting up social media, emailing councillors, writing a blog- mine, mine, mine and all in my control.

Anger energises. The emotional weight of this has quite literally sucked the life out of me. I feel like a shell of a human being at the moment but the anger gives me fire.

Anger motivates. It propels us forwards and almost forces us to take action. Neighbourhood Watch, Speedy’s list, all actions.

Anger is awareness of injustice. You don’t get angry at something that is fair and right, right? We feel angry when we know in our gut that something is out of place or downright wrong. This whole thing stinks from the beginning, stinky and squirmy and that is why it makes me angry.

Anger drives us towards our goals. Anger is an active emotion and when we don’t get what we want anger helps us to strategize to get to where we need to be. My case alone didn’t have enough evidence, regroup, reassess and try again.

Anger injects optimism. Being angry and subsequently active stops us from wallowing in victimhood and there is a point where we feel optimistic or hopeful that our anger and actions can actually be a force for positive change. Everyone in my neighbourhood is watching this creep now and when he slips up, no doubt we will see it!

Anger protects our values and beliefs. We are driven to rectify discrepancies that question or threaten our belief systems. My belief system is pretty basic- being kind is good, being mean is bad, simple.

Anger helps us negotiate. It puts us in a better position to try and actively persuade.

With everything going on in the world right now, anger is at the forefront with angry people being told to calm down. My advice- don’t, don’t calm down, don’t let other people invalidate your feelings, take your anger and let it fuel action.

If someone you know is angry, whether you get it or not, do not invalidate their anger, tell them you believe in them, ask what you can do to help, show solidarity but never tell them to give up or hide away, it won’t work!!

Addition:

I wrote this then stepped away from it. In the interim I considered not posting it because I doubted whether it was appropriate to be so publicly angry. So I had to go back to read what I had written to remind myself that anger is totally the right response to what has happened to us.

I am not equating what happened to Speedy G to what happened to George Floyd, not for a second- both horrific but totally different circumstances. George Floyd’s murder is of course the result of hundreds of years of systemic and oppressive racism, Speedy G’s killing is the result of one irresponsible man who we are now fighting to get him held to account for his behaviour. To me, the bottom line is that the problem is bullies, ignorant bullies, mean bullies, hateful little men stomping their way through life. The last few days have seen riots, peaceful protests and displays of solidarity as well as #blackouttuesday so I have seen a lot now about responses to injustice and criticisms of those responses. Anger is very much criticised and I think that anger is being criticised and judged because those in power know that angry people get shit done!!!

I hold on to my right to be angry at the man who killed my dog, I hold on to my right to share my thoughts about that on my social media, put up posters in my window and speak to my neighbours and friends about what happened and how we stop it from happening again. I will not hide away from him, I will not let him drive me from the home I love so much, I will draw strength from my anger and keep going to do the same as the rioters and protestors- to make sure it does not happen again.